I was struggling with my mental state recently. I was unable to focus for a long time. I have to try hard enough & in different places just to get myself in “the flow”. I think this is a real problem, especially when I am a software engineer, where I need high cognitive load to function well. I have to think creatively to solve a problem, remember dozens of variable names & functions and the relationship between them, and make sure everything works fine. I can’t code in a small chunk at a time, the cost of switching between one task an another is too high. Usually I need more than an hour of uninterrupted blocks of time to be productive. I realize it was different when I did other things, such as writing a proposal or creating slides, or writing an email. I can do most of those things well in smaller blocks of time, even without interruption.
I don’t know if this is true or not, but I often think that my inability to concentrate in doing a task is a mental disorder. Or is it just my excuse because I’m lazy. No I don’t think I’m that lazy, but it has something to do with my mental state: moods, brain freshness (or whatever you call it), and as well as the outside environment, the work that I will be doing, and the deadlines of the work. Even for non-work related things, I also struggle to do them properly. I haven’t finished any book this year (last year I read more than 30 books). I haven’t studied for an English standardized test, even though I have planned for this a year ago, and I am supposed to take it in the next few months. And I also have countless things that I was supposed to be doing, but not.
This condition worsens as time goes by, especially if I didn’t have any progress in a day. My spirit lifted occasionally when I make a significant progress in a day. So it’s kinda an up and down, with more downs. Probably this also relates to my happiness that day, if I am happy that day, the rate that I am well motivated is high. I don’t know if people still visits this site anymore (even though I listed it everywhere, from my social media accounts, business cards, to my resume). I haven’t written anything lately, so I think it is okay to write this (mess). I hope I could get a good handle of it, and I am sure that after writing this, my spirit lifted a bit to do some more work. But hell no, tonight I’m going to watch Game of Thrones Season 7 Premier, I’ve been waiting for more than a year, so yeah.